ah, nostalgia.

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

whoa, i really haven't posted in quite awhile! it's quite scary how time flies, but it's december already. i wonder about the things i decided i would this year, and think about what a big percentage of that list remains uncompleted and probably never will be completed, and i feel so sad. i'm really disappointed in myself, i've probably never screwed up so much in a year in my entire life. it's been a bad year, but i wonder if i've learnt, if i've grown, through it all.

wishlist.

twilight series by Stephanie Meyer
Alex Rider series by Anthony Horowitz
Artemis Fowl series by Eoin Colfer
Power of Five series by Anthony Horowitz
a potted plant. hahaha. i wanna put on my table!
a new school bag
that leather sling bag!! the one that looks like the Chronicles of Narnia one. hahaha.
pencil case
Children of Hurin
Percy Jackson series by Rick Riordan
Lord of the Rings trilogy (book) by JRR Tolkien
Lord of the Rings (OST)
Treasure Island by Robert Louis Stevenson!
The Graveyard Book by Neil Gaimann
Airman by Eoin Colfer
SECOND BOOK OF GALLAGHER GIRLS: CROSS MY HEART AND HOPE TO SPY!! by Ally Carter
Pirates of the Caribbean soundtrack (for all three!)
GATTACCA soundtrack
Anne of Green Gables series by LM Montgomery
Picture of Dorian Grey by Oscar Wilde
Classics/Lit (:

i think thats about it.. hahaha. most of it's books!! (: i love books. haha. i realise i want a lot of things. it's so selfish huh.
i'm gonna be sixteen. so old. sweet sixteen.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

just came back from thailand. it was really nice, bought a pair of really cute shoes. hehe. but it was raining on Ko Chang, so couldn't really play at the beach and stuff.
my headaches are getting worse this days. its hard to even move, or i'll get this wave of giddiness and nausea.
i'm kinda numb yet not. i often feel like crying, and dont ask me at what, when you figure it out, you tell me. i have no idea. but yet, i hardly feel anything.
homework's still just a huge pile on my table. i did 4 math ws. accomplishment dont ya think! :) though two of them are kinda overdue. like supposed to be handed in before obs. which was from the 20-24 may. hahaha. yea.
i watched chronicles a few weeks back, it was really nice. EDMUND IS MINE. i really like the songs.
its always the shows like that that throw me back, into the numb, coupled with books like twilight and all.
i wish i were in narnia. with edmund. hehe.

where is narnia?

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

i went to obs, mep camp, went through one week of holiday programme and guitar camp. obs was great, mep camp scandalous, holiday programme bleagh and guitar camp okay. i dont want to talk about these now.
i dont like my laughter anymore. its shallow and hollow. sometimes i hear that hint of cynicism that should never be heard in a laugh. i wonder, when i smile, does it ever reach my eyes anymore?
goodbye beatrice. we'll start anew once again, like we do everytime.

Friday, May 16, 2008

people change as they grow older, they mature, they realise more things. they stop becoming idealistic and hopeful. they lose all hope, losing themselves to the drudgery of daily life, let themselves be overly caught up with the darkness of this world. people began to stop trusting others, stop learning to depend on others, realising that the only person they can ever trust is themselves. a plastic smile, just a tiny stab in your back, step over you like a carpet, another plastic smile. that is of course, the diluted, simplified meaning of, 'maturity', right? when you realise that everyone does it and began to rationalize with yourself that its alright, no problem at all. afterall, if you dont start first and reach the finishing line before the rest, someone else will come along and trip you over. friends will never last forever. there is no such thing. as you grow older, as you mature, you learn the whole plastic smile theory and realise that with this concept of maturity, friendship can never co-exist.
i never believed it. not once.
i always thought that i would be different, my friends would be different. we were after all young and invincible. stupid too, of course.
i guess its maturity catching up with me. maturity catching up with us. we stop caring, when we do, nobody believes you, so you just fade into existence, marking the start of your walk into adulthood.
when you start becoming oblivious to the people around you, only aware of yourself.
but yet, is that really all a bad thing?
maybe we should all learn and grow up.
but yet i'm not willing to let go of you, my friend.
i'm being pulled into the whirlpool of time, dragged and pulled in the attempt to guide me onto the path to achieving maturity.
yet i'm clinging on to every last shred of hope, crying hysterically without my mouth ever opening, clutching the last remnants, digging my heels deep in.
but i can feel it.
i'm beginning to let go.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

today sucked. i dont even know how to put it. we got back a test paper during every period, so we got back our a math, hcl, english, history, physics and mep. i didn't do badly, but i fell short of all my goals.i feel so angry with myself.
yesterday, a girl tried to commit suicide at my block. like, they were ambulances and fire engines and policemen, the whole lot. she didn't succeed anyway. well, it was all exciting and all, but it really made me think. there are so many people around the world clinging on to life, clutching every bit of hope they have, even if this hope constitutes a mere breath of oxygen or a drop of water.but yet, here she is, just about to throw her life away as she flings herself out the window. stories of people committing suicide always make me feel really sad. evidence of a world losing hope faster than we try to replenish it.
so many disasters happening at once, the myanmar thing, the china earthquake, the bombing in india. today, when i read about the many many young people and students who were lying under the rubble, dead. and i just couldn't stop crying. it sucks to have so many people die so young. i couldn't help thinking how it was a metaphor of schools oppressing students. okay, nevermind, that was retarded. anyway, i was just really sad.
then there's that whole other thing. no matter how many times i try to tell you, you dont belive me. i'm at my wits end trying to show you that i really do care, i really do treasure your friendship, yet, the more i try, the more you're distancing youself. the more i try to salvage our relationship, the more you seem to be trying to scratch at it, ruining it, because. well, i dont even understand your reasons why! we've been through 2 years together, 2 years of crap, and yet, now, you think our friendship can't even stand this one trial? it may be tough, it may be tiring, but i'm willing to pull through it for us. i really do care. i really do.
today really sucked. i've never been so sad consistent throughout the day before. i've been crying non-stop, over everything, especially when i was talking to you.
they're right. the only easy day was yesterday.

Friday, April 11, 2008

everything's changing. everyone's changing. sometimes i wonder if adaptation is ever good. usually when put in a new situation, if you can adapt, majority of people think its a good thing. but what if you adapt for the worse? what if you're going against yourself, against what you believe in, against who you are? is adaptation in this sense still good?
i feel like everyone's just really overly affected by some, erm. some of our educators. i feel like i'm being stifled. i know everyone's being stifled, but yet we all just put on the same old merry face. all of us can't stand the whole o levels thing. we want to be challenged, and i think we are. but not in the way we hope to be. if we were stressed cause we were trying to figure out the new concept not found in our textbook, or stressed cause we have so much interesting projects, i'm sure we'll complain, but we actually dont mind. now, we're stressed cause we're being pushed to our limits by studying straight from the textbook, regurgitating paragraphs, basically drilling ourselves doing brain dead, stupid things. what the heck is the point of all this?
i know the bloody o levels are coming. yes, they are coming. next bloody year. if even you dont believe that we can do it, if even you dont believe in the sbc, if even you dont understand why we are who we are doing what we do, then why the heck are you here?
the worse thing is, i think some people are starting to buy into this o level crap. suddenly, grades are all that matter. i mean, sure those are important, but since when have we only done stuff for them? people are starting to study so hard. and i'm so bothered by all of these. we're so obviously stifled, so obviously disturbed, so obviously unhappy, but yet we buy into their crap and believe that the o levels are all we're meant to live for. the thought of all of them planning their study plans, planning to bring their bloody textbooks to Penang to study, when i thought our intention was a break, planning to just bloody get only A's, even if it means sacrificing learning and thinking. it scares me.
maybe its me. i guess i'm just slow or stupid. maybe i'm just seeing things at such a micro, mini level, i can't see things as a macro. maybe thats why i'm so screwed up. maybe everyone has seen the big picture but me. wake up, bea. there's no such thing as 'who cares about the grades? we learn, and thats all that matters'. there is no such thing. i can't believe i was so blind. nothing's wrong with everyone, maybe its just me. stupid, blind, crazy me. i should have known.

i keep falling,
just on and on, again and again.
i just keep falling,
and somehow, i just don't see the end.
is it true?
if you just believe, everything'll turn out okay
are you sure?
that if we keep moving forward, everything'll be okay?
there's no such thing as forever
just keep working, and you'll get your reward
there's no such thing as relaxing and still doing well
thats just stupid.
beatrice, get that straight.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

my blog is so incredibly boring. sherri's is really funny and amuses the crap out of me though, so maybe i should copy a quiz from there to complete! there are always so many. oh well, i think all of us are being stretched in school. i feel tired and exhausted and the stupid headaches havent been easing up. i hope things get better, i did quite badly for term 1.
English A2
Higher Chinese C5
A Maths C5
E Maths B4
Literature A1 (i topped! :))
MEP B4
SS/Hist B3
Bio A1
Chem A2
Physics C5
L1R5(if i calculated correctly..): 12.
mrs chow was quite freaked out by our results. she was like, anything above 12 points you should worry, even nanyang jc also cannot go! i mean, come on. its the first term of SEC 3. not like the o levels are next month of something. the o levels scare me so much. everyone makes such a big deal out of it. i dont know what to do if things dont go according to the way i've planned things out to go. i think i'll have a nervoud breakdown. i'm on the verge of one just from my CA1 results. i'm trying not to get too bothered by it, but its so terribly difficult. sometimes, my heart just starts beating super quickly cause i'm afraid of the things i can't do or because i'm afraid things dont go according to plan. and it hurts. i get so easily agitated and i hate it. it annoys me so much how incompetent i am.
now, for something more lighthearted. A QUIZ! :)
1. ONE OF YOUR SCARS, HOW DID YOU GET IT?
mosquito bite. hehe.
2. WHAT IS ON THE WALLS IN YOUR ROOM?
in my bedroom, nothing but paint. in my study, lots of pictures and a motivational chart with my EXCELLENT chop and bald cheerleaders. hehehehehe.
3. DO YOU SNORE, GRIND YOUR TEETH, OR TALK IN YOUR SLEEP?
i hope not.. hehe.
4. WHAT TYPE OF MUSIC DO YOU LISTEN TO?
all kinds of weird stuff. :)
5.DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME YOU WERE BORN?
no idea, like 2pm or something?
6. WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW?
i want to tour the world and enjoy myself instead of inflicting self-torture by taking ten subjects.
7.WHAT DO YOU MISS?
i miss 2t.
8. WHAT IS YOUR MOST PRIZED POSSESSION(S)?
letters and cards from my friends, photos, my books, and my student diary, which i have lost! i feel so disoriented without it.
9. HOW TALL ARE YOU?
165, 167, 168. take your pick.
10. DO YOU GET CLAUSTROPHOBIC?
yes. i dont like it when there are too many people in a tiny room stealing my oxygen.
11. DO YOU GET SCARED IN THE DARK?
no, unless there're mosquitoes attacking me while i sleep and i end up staying awake to shoo them away. cause then i'll be a zombie in school the next day.
12. THE LAST PERSON TO MAKE YOU CRY?
erm. can it not be a person? just to answer it, it was a piece of writing, if you would call it that.
13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PERFUME FOR A GIRL?
the rose one from body shop or the blue one from ralph lauren.
14. WHAT KIND OF HAIR/EYE COLOR DO YOU LIKE ON THE OPPOSITE SEX?
hair: doesn't matter. eyes: blue/green/grey/black/brown/different colours on both eyes! <3
15. WHERE CAN YOU SEE YOURSELF BEING PROPOSED TO?
no idea. too many places to consider. hehe.
16. COFFEE OR ENERGY DRINK?
coffee? but not the totally black kind.
17. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PIZZA TOPPING?
i'm mostly okay with anything.
18. IF YOU CAN EAT ANYTHING RIGHT NOW, WHAT WOULD IT BE?too many. erm. gummies. squid (dont ask me why). strawberry milkshake (technically not to be eaten.). cheesecake!
20. HAVE YOU EVER EATEN A GOLDFISH?
no, yuck. so ugly and unappetising. unappetizing. how do you spell it again?
21. WHAT WAS THE FIRST MEANINGFUL GIFT YOU'VE EVER RECIEVED?
i cannot remember. my ipod nano?
22. DO YOU LIKE ANYBODY?
i dont know, you tell me.
23. ARE YOU DOUBLE JOINTED?
what does that mean?
24. FAVORITE CLOTHING BRAND?
so many i cannot choose! though i am currently eyeing the very nice golden lv bag, which i shall never have. =(
26. DO YOU HAVE A PET RIGHT NOW?
Fishes
27. WHAT KIND IS IT?
i have no idea. i think they are dead? i hardly see anything moving, though i hardly look at the tank.
28. WOULD YOU FALL IN LOVE KNOWING THAT THE PERSON IS LEAVING?
yes, probably.
29. WHAT IS THE BEST WAY TO TELL SOMEONE HOW MUCH THEY MEAN TO YOU?
big, bombastic expressions of adoration. but as sherri said, subtle nuances are great too.
30. SAY A NUMBER FROM ONE TO A HUNDRED:
3
31. BLONDES OR BRUNETTES?
neither. black heads rule the world unless they are on your nose.
32. WHAT IS THE ONE NUMBER YOU CALL MOST OFTEN?
basically my whole family and tiffy probably?
33. WHAT ANNOYS YOU MOST?
incompetence, which largely means i annoy myself to bits everyday.
34. HAVE YOU BEEN OUT OF SINGAPORE?
Yes.
35. YOUR WEAKNESSES?
incompetence. i also annoy people.
36. MET ANYONE FAMOUS?
Yes
37. FIRST JOB?
i helped my dad stamp dont know whats on dont know whats and got paid. =)
38. EVER DONE A PRANK CALL?
yep. feel kinda silly thinking back on them.
39. HAVE YOU EVER HAD SURGERY?
nope.
42. WHAT DO YOU GET COMPLIMENTED ABOUT MOST?
my self-amusing behaviour, which most might just view as heneral eccentricity and insanity. so not exactly compliment here.
43. HAVE YOU EVER HAD BRACES?
nope, i have straight teeth except for one which is obscured by my face. HAHAHAHA.
44. WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY?
the new book for gallagher girls, loads of manga, last alliance cd, gossip girl series, a ticket to tour the world. oh and the abovementioned lv bag. i think its like HK$13000 +. erm. and i want loads of jap drama dvds and ouran and so many things. i'm so greedy. OH AND GUMMIES. hehehehe.
45. HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU WANT?
None
46. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
dont think so..
47. DO YOU WISH ON STARS?
nope. i dont trust stars.
49. WHAT KIND OF SHAMPOO DO YOU USE?
Don't stick to one
50. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
nope.
51. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
FRESH, UNSMELLY fish.
52. ANY BAD HABITS?
oh sure, i'm gonna display them on the internet. right.
53 WHAT CD ARE YOU MOST EMBARRASSED TO HAVE ON YOUR SHELF?
hilary duff.
56. DO LOOKS MATTER?
yea. so annoying to be fat. pft.
57. HOW DO YOU RELEASE ANGER?
channeling energy to my heart and making it beat so fast it hurts.
58. WHERE IS YOUR SECOND HOME?
i dont know. thailand? though i dont go very often but i love the place so much.
60. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD?
hehe. barbie? or the computer.
61. HOW MANY NUMBERS ARE IN YOUR CELL PHONE?
i have no idea, possibly about half the amount i previously had. i lost all my contacts when my phone crashed. =(
62.WERE YOU A FAN OF BARNEY AS A KID?
hehe. yes.
63. DO YOU USE SARCASM?
nah, ya think?
64. MASHED POTATOES OR MACARONI AND CHEESE?
oh man, i'm hungry just thinking about it. typical fatty. hahahaha.
65. WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A GUY?
do i really have to list? erm. good looking, intelligent, christian, rich, sensitive, nice, kind, sweet. thats generally it. wont go into too much detail. =)
66. WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES?
i am not about to broadcast the things that gave me such torment as a child.
67. WHATS YOUR FAVORITE BAND/SINGER?
currently last alliance.
68. WHATS YOUR FAVORITE TV SHOW?
My girl!
69. WHAT WAS YOUR ACT SAT SCORE
none.
70. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR?
cookies and cream, vanilla, rum n raisin, blueberry, butterscotch. i think thats it.
71. DO YOU HAVE ALL YOUR FINGERS AND TOES?
yes.
72. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WORKED OUT?
TODAY. i ran three rounds during recess, 20 situps and pushups and 5 minutes on the bike. forced.
74. WHATS THE FASTEST YOU HAVE GONE IN A CAR?
120 km/h. i was terrified.
75. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS?
yes, it'll be interesting.
76. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO?
crickets in the park.
77. LAST THING YOU DRANK?
strawberry milkshake! or water. i cant remember if i drank water during dinner.
78. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
tiffy's mother, my brother was thanking her for the card.
79. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE IN THE OPPOSITE/SAME SEX?Face,expression,mannerisms, as sherri has so kindly stated in her answers.
82. FAVORITE MONTH OF THE YEAR?
november, december and january
83. FAVORITE ZODIAC SIGN?
None
91. LAST THING YOU WATCHED?
i do not remember. this is quite scary.
92. FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR?
4 january.
93. PLAY ANY MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS?
piano, guitar.
95. KISSES OR HUGS?
Hugs
96. RELATIONSHIPS OR ONE NIGHT STANDS?
Relationships. i dont want to stand for one night! hahahah, so corny.
97. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU BOUGHT?
strawberry milkshake!
98. WHAT KIND OF CAR DO YOU HAVE?
technically, i dont own one.
99. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING?
i'm reading the clique, gossip girl, brave new world, fahrenheit 451 some chinese book and some sailing book. all at once. i'm so screwed up its freaky.
100. DESCRIBE YOUR LOVE LIFE:
What love life?

hehe, so fun. i love doing this kinda stuff.

now, for something more light hearted